She Bold Crew
Listen as your hosts, hardworking cousins and best friends Rickquetta aka Smillee B, and Eva G bring their authentic thoughts, vulnerability, and humor to even the trickiest subjects in the She Bold Crew Podcast.
Sharing their personal experiences and practical advice on tackling the real-life challenges we all face while exploring interesting conversations around life lessons. Your hosts provide actionable advice and real-world guidance to empower, educate, and inspire listeners.
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She Bold Crew
Good things vs God things
Why do people choose to broadcast their personal dramas to the world? Join us, Smillee B and Eva G, as we grapple with this bewildering trend of social media oversharing in our latest episode. We dive deep into the motivations behind such behavior, questioning whether it's a mere cry for validation or a result of lacking a real support system. From personal anecdotes to thoughtful discussions, we highlight the potential pitfalls of this habit, including its impact on one's image, relationships, and even children's futures. We also explore healthier ways of processing emotions, advocating for a more private and mindful approach.
Have you ever felt unworthy or lost due to your past? In our introspective segment, we shift gears to address faith, personal growth, and the journey toward salvation. Reflecting on our own pasts, including struggles with parental addiction and instability, we unravel the intricate ways these experiences influence our present faith and decision-making. We share heartfelt stories of seeking divine guidance, striving for stability, and confronting feelings of unworthiness. This segment serves as a testament to how our past shapes our spiritual and emotional growth, offering a beacon of hope for those on similar journeys.
Family dynamics are never straightforward, and our final chapters focus on the complexities of parental forgiveness, setting boundaries, and navigating expectations. Through honest and raw conversations, we share our personal journeys of healing, overcoming trauma, and the difficult task of balancing duty with personal well-being. We discuss the importance of resilience, the role of faith in healing, and the necessity of self-empowerment. By reflecting on our experiences, we hope to provide valuable insights into fostering healthier relationships and prioritizing mental health. Tune in for an episode filled with raw honesty, personal reflections, and invaluable lessons on family and faith.
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She Vogue, she Real, and she's definitely ready. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the she Vogue Crew Podcast. It's your girl, smiley B and Eva G, and we are back with another boat episode. So, guys, today I have a WTH moment. I feel like it's been a minute since I've had a WTH moment?
Speaker 2:What's it giving? Why the hell when?
Speaker 1:there where the hell it's giving. Why the hell do people get on social media and scream and blur all their business to the internet and be?
Speaker 2:looking crazy and are you speaking just statuses period, where people are pouring out too much information, or lives, because lives, that's what get me. People get on lives and just do the most. Yeah, like I have never been mad enough to get on, live and run it down.
Speaker 1:I feel like the Lord just put this message on my heart. But I feel like and we talked about this but I feel like some things are better said or talked about in past tense, are better said or talked about in past tense. You know the very common statement that you know hindsight is 20 20. It's just, most of the time, 99 of the time better to talk about, to visit, to deal with certain things a certain way after some time has passed.
Speaker 1:We are emotional beings as humans. That is one fact that we all know. We all have emotions. Whether we all know how to control our emotions, understand our emotions or express our emotions, that is totally different. But we understand that we all have emotions. So I'm not saying that people don't feel a way and I'm not saying that as humans, we don't slip up every now and again and do something out of emotion. But I'm talking about the repetitive yes, repetitive behavior of getting on social media live and just spruing all your business all over the internet but not even thinking of how you're making yourself look, you don't do stuff like.
Speaker 1:You don't do stuff like that in the moment you don't do stuff like that and, like I said, even if you do it once or twice, you know that should be enough to look back and look at it and be like, ooh, I look goofy, I sound goofy or whatever.
Speaker 1:But when you do it multiple times now, I'm like concerned, like what's the issue? So, just to be you know Frank, like there's a girl that I follow on social media and I've followed her for some time on you know Facebook and she goes live a lot with drama surrounded around her baby dad and their relationship and then his relationship with another young lady and it's just like at first it was like okay, she's upset, she's in her emotions, she's probably, you know, a scorned woman. But then it's like okay, like enough is enough, like this is the things that you're saying. It just sounds crazy. You're saying you know, the man doesn't do for your kid and this is not. He's not even being the father that he needs to be.
Speaker 1:He wasn't the greatest man when y'all was together. So why are you taking the time and the effort to go on the internet to display this to? Probably 80% of the people in there don't really know you personally, don't care about you personally, don't care to lift you up or care about your emotions. They're just there to look at the drama and like what type of relief? I kind of just want to understand, like what type of relief is it providing like?
Speaker 1:is it really providing you some type of relief?
Speaker 2:because it makes me wonder if people like this, do you not have friends that you can vent to? Is it because you're not liking the response that you're getting from your family and friends that are hearing the story firsthand or witnessing it? Do you not like their response? So you feel like let me go on the internet and get other people's response, Like I'm confused.
Speaker 2:And then they don't realize how foolish it makes you. Look, you're on live running it down about a baby, dad, a boyfriend or whoever that you're mad at, and this is what he's been doing. But you sound foolish Because why are you dad, a boyfriend or whoever that you're mad at, and this is what he's been doing and this, but you're? You sound foolish because why are you accepting that?
Speaker 1:correct and then getting on here and telling the world. And you know, the crazy thing about it is people will say all the time, because my thing is like to like your kids, like your kids in future relationships correct if they're seeing you and hearing you do these things and act like this?
Speaker 1:what type of example are you showing your kids if future relationships correct? If they're seeing you and hearing you do these things and act like this, what type of example are you showing your kids that that's okay because you can't control your emotions to go and react this way, or you know I?
Speaker 2:wonder all the time like how it affects people with in their dating situations. Because first thing I know I do and I'm sure anybody do whenever you start talking to somebody or something or you meet somebody, first thing I'm doing is looking up their social media how you gonna meet a new man and he see you running it down like this about your kid's dad yeah, and it just I don't think it's healthy.
Speaker 1:But you know, hey, I could be wrong talk to a therapist.
Speaker 1:I just want to understand what is the outcome that you're getting of this.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it's okay. I feel like we, as human beings, we have to normalize, being able to, you know, feel our emotions, sit in our emotions, reflect on our emotions, talk about it and then come back to it and sometimes, once you do all the other steps, sometimes you don't even need to revisit it and the conversation doesn't even need to be had, because now you're like okay, I understand where I went wrong, or I understand what I could have did different or what I can do moving forward to avoid this type of hurt or pain or confusion or whatever, and now I can move on with my life. You get what I'm saying and I feel like that in my life too. I can't. I can't think of multiple times where I have been in situations or done things and I'm like later on, like, oh, you know what I'm saying, I could have did this, or I wish I would have said that it wasn't even that serious you know what I'm saying, but sometimes you react so fast or you do certain things out of emotion.
Speaker 1:You can't come back from that, regardless of how much self-reflecting and self-awareness you got in the house.
Speaker 2:Because sometimes you done did so much damage.
Speaker 1:There ain't no repair to it. You get what I'm saying, so you just got to take it and you just got to move on with that.
Speaker 2:But I just like I'm like See, you're that person for me. I don't have to go on live and spew it all out, because I caught you and you just stopped me from making some terrible decisions, and you know what.
Speaker 1:It's so crazy? Because people kill me with the. I don't care what people think about me, everybody cares. If you didn't care about what people think about you, half the things that you did you would not do. You would not get up out of the bed and take that extra 30 minutes in the mirror to make sure your edges is laid.
Speaker 2:You would not put on them lashes so you don't believe that people do that to make themselves?
Speaker 1:I do think that people do that to make themselves look good, but I also think that people think about what other people don't think as well, because how many times have you been somewhere and somebody came to you and was like oh, don't mind me, I know I look a mess. You get what I'm saying. That's a sign of care. You wouldn't even have mentioned it to them Because you're in your mind, or if it's in your, you know what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to help you and I'm trying to say I'm trying to help you and I'm trying to pull it from you because I'm trying back in the mind yeah, like, what is it called?
Speaker 1:what's the name? Conscious, that's not. You know what I'm trying to say. Got you. Y'all know what I'm trying to say subconscious teamwork y'all, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Subconscious, damn, she can help me down a bit, like over, like, uh, if y'all can see me over here, like help me out here, cause god damn, yeah, your subconscious, you either see your subconscious or not. You you think that you said it. You know what I'm saying. So sometimes we don't even know what we're thinking until we say something or do something a certain way. But everybody cares, even if it's just a little bit what somebody else thinks. I don't give a damn and I'm just. That's just a part again of being a human. That is just a part of it. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Some people care a little less because they are a little bit more confident. Some people care less because they pray about it. Lord, please you know, I know I do, I pray Lord, please remove any type of self-doubt, any type of insecurities or any type of worries, like I pray that off of me. You know what I'm saying. But some people that it comes natural to them. But, like I said, everybody cares just a little bit. So when I say that, I say when people get on you know social media and people do be trying to help them out or say something like hey, maybe you shouldn't do this on live or get off live, because I've seen those comments under people's lives like get off live like put your phone down baby just take some time to yourself.
Speaker 1:you're not emotionally stable stable Right now. Just take some time. We understand you hurt, but just don't do this. Don't do this. You're going to regret it and people get offended and they get defensive. I don't give a damn. Get off my life. I don't care what y'all think. I don't care what nobody think. I'm getting my point across.
Speaker 2:So who you need to get across to?
Speaker 1:You're not thinking about what you're saying Cause, if you are, it makes no damn sense. Nine Like it, just it's not making no type of sense. You get what I'm saying. Then you talking basically to yourself, you talking to people, but at the same time some people ain't responding. So you really just saying things to you know to the screens. You talking to your phone. You know to the screen, you're talking to your phone, you know what I'm saying. So it's like you're not getting that feedback or you're not getting any type of productive.
Speaker 1:You know, conversation going, so it's really like you know what I'm saying and then you delete it later.
Speaker 2:So you do care, correct, you did look at it and say you were just in the heat of the moment and you were mad and went on and vented that is not where you're supposed to vent. Correct social media is not the place to vent.
Speaker 1:so regardless embarrassing that's, I'll say all that to say sometimes things are better talked about and said and past tense, and what that means is that it's okay to go through things in real time but react later or discuss it later. There's so much wisdom and so much understanding that comes later. You get what I'm saying and that's what people mean by hindsight is 20-20. In the moment you don't see things for the full scope of what it is, but after you've healed and after you've reflected and after you've talked about it and after you've cried and screamed and prayed, then you have more clarity, you have more understanding and now you're able to move forward.
Speaker 1:That's a word, amen, okay, but yes. So to get into the main topic of today me and Cuz was talking the other day because we do we get in our deep conversations. We talk a lot about our lives and God. If you are a God, you know feeling person, if you're living a faith-based life, um, I think it's fair to say that the end goal is to salvation, um, and we all know that you know, if you've read the Bible, that you know what that means is that you make it into eternal life with the Lord and you get your final job well done. And I thought that would be good to talk on today.
Speaker 1:And I think it kind of just goes into the WTH moment too, because, um, myself have been in situations and I've made decisions in the moment without taking the time to reflect or pray on it and consult with the Lord first. And now I'm looking back like, wow, probably should have made that decision, probably should have made that call, didn't consult with the Lord on that one, and I'm looking at the outcome of those decisions and those things. And then it may. It brings concern and worry to me, because then I start to worry. Well, lord, I want to make sure that I get my job well done, right you know, because I don't want to do all of this just to be turned away.
Speaker 2:That'll be the worst thing to get to those gates and god say I don't know who are you what?
Speaker 1:what are you saying? Baby boy?
Speaker 1:he said I don't want to get to him and what he said. What he said turn your ass around. So you know, that's how it is said. I don't want to get to him and it'll be what he said turn your ass around. You know, that's how it is. Like you don't, at some point in life, you, you start thinking about that and I know well, for me that's, you know, true, and I always, you know, think about that. I'm like lord, but you know, in the moment I'm not necessarily thinking about it, but then, after the fact, I'm like wow, you know what I'm saying. And so with that, you know, I've just been thinking like, okay, well, every good thing that I do, or good deed that I do may not be a God deed or a God thing, or you know what I'm saying sometimes we think you know we might be helping a situation or helping a person.
Speaker 2:Maybe God don't want us to be helping that person or the situation, maybe he needs them to feel what they're going through. And here you come, intruding, doing what you think is best for somebody else, and really it's interfering with God's plan, interfering with God's plan.
Speaker 1:And so then you look back and you're like well damn, how much help did I do? Because that person ain't even really much better off than where they was when I helped them, you know. And so then that's when the reflection comes in and it's like oh lord, what I done did you know exactly and so you know a couple episodes.
Speaker 1:We talked a couple episodes ago. We talked about, um, you know, similar to this on the Can I Vent and in that moment I was going through something and I was like stuck in between a rock and a hard place with decision making and y'all I was telling because, like, I feel like I have been as transparent with the podcast. So today, guys, I'm going to open up a little bit more and, you know, go more detail because I felt like I have been as transparent with the podcast. So today, guys, I'm going to open up a little bit more and, you know, go more detail, because I felt like I was very vague.
Speaker 1:You know before, but before I have talked about before on the podcast, how I grew up with two drug and alcohol addicted parents. Most of my life, majority of my life, all of my childhood, really, um, yeah, my dad got clean. I was already grown at the time, um, so, yeah, my dad got clean and gave his life to Christ, maybe about 10, uh, 10, 12 years ago or whatnot. So, yeah, pretty much all of my childhood, my parents have struggled with their own demons and, um, it was very rough for me growing up. You know, pillar to post and here living here I've lived, moved around a lot, lived with a lot of different family members and never necessarily felt like I was, you know, stable or where I was supposed to be.
Speaker 1:I never just was 100% comfortable with you know with my life in that, in that time, you know, but I just kind of was just going with the flow and just going with the motion of life. Honestly, um, when I look back, that's kind of how I feel like I feel like I was a numb, a lot. I feel like I was kind of like in a fog.
Speaker 1:I feel like when I look back at my life in the movie it would be like in slow motion. It seemed like like things were just going probably really fast. But to me it was like slow motion, like watching something in slow motion, and so, um, a lot of things were just uncertain for me growing up, like, um, just who I was supposed to be and how my life was supposed to be. And if you know, this was really just my life.
Speaker 2:You know what I'm saying and you know I just doubted a lot of things and I just didn't did you ever feel like I know you said you didn't really feel comfortable did you ever feel like not wanted?
Speaker 1:oh, for sure, I felt. I don't know I don't know if it's not wanted, but I felt not worthy, like I wasn't worth. You know, I felt like my parents wanted me in a sense, but I felt like I wasn't worthy of having good parents or stable parents. I wasn't worthy of having comfort.
Speaker 2:I wasn't worthy of having stability, because or having parents that made sacrifices for you and went out their way for you Correct, Correct, Correct.
Speaker 1:So I felt, like you know, I just didn't feel worthy in that time of my life and it was a struggle. It was a struggle. I mean. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of stuff for me to work through and I'm still working through it. I mean it's a lifelong journey. It's a lot of years of dysfunction and things like that you know. So, yeah, of course you know, but I got older, you know. I got through life, Thank God, and you excelled a lot For you to have you know went through everything that you went through.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like anybody who didn't know what you were going through. I mean, you always had a smile. You're always into sports, you know, always into activities, always laughing. Smile, you're always into sports, you know, always into activities, always laughing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know and that when I reflect, I think like that was just God. You know, that was just the guy in me at that time and I wasn't even necessarily in covenant with God. I wasn't in relationship with God at that time. I wasn't really praying as like as much or really. Where there wasn't any faith behind my prayer is what I'll say. Um, but you know, I just was just going through life and I just knew what I wanted to be as a person, so that I just kind of held on to that. But a lot of people that know me, they say like, if you know, when I let them in on a little bit of my life or whatever they're like no, there's no way you've been there.
Speaker 1:There's no way you come from that Like there's no way. You come from that like there's no way you know. I'm saying you are who you are and you've been through these things. Like they just can't believe it and um, and that I don't talk about it, or that it doesn't show, or like you know as much as we are.
Speaker 2:So the opposite when it comes to that, because I talk shit about it every chance.
Speaker 1:I get.
Speaker 2:You did Every chance I get.
Speaker 1:And you know I just what I learned that you know I had to really work through and understand that. That does not define me. Those things that I've been through, the traumas that I've experienced, those things do not define me. Those are things that I went through but those are not me. You know that's not who I am Right, you know I am worthy, I'm worthy of love, I'm worthy of protection, I'm worthy of consistency, I'm worthy of stability, I'm worthy for somebody to show up for me. You know I am and I am love and I know how to love.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying and I feel like it took a lot of me, you know doing that work to get there. But it was a struggle. You know what I'm saying. But I felt like, once again, I didn't know how to talk about it and really I wasn't. I didn't really know these things yet. I didn't really understand these things yet. So that's why I say it kind of goes hand in hand with the WCH moment, because it's like now. It's like now, years later, now that I've done the healing, I've done the work, I feel more confident to talk about it. Yeah, as to then and the hurt and the pain, and just being like Because you owe that to yourself and to your kids too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I feel like my kids need to understand why I am the way that I am correct. So I need to explain, you know, my life, my childhood, what I've been through, what I've experienced. So then you know, they can give me a little grace sometimes or, you know, talk to me maybe about ways to, you know, navigate things in a better way, and stuff like that yeah, and it's not to shame anybody.
Speaker 1:You know that was another thing I had to worry I always worried about too. It's like I don't want my parents or people who have done me wrong or anything, Like I don't want to shame them because that's not my job, cause you're so crazy.
Speaker 2:I want to shame them. I do. I'm okay with it, because you shouldn't have did it. You shouldn't have said it. Yeah, that's how I feel, no.
Speaker 1:And that's why I'm okay, we get it off my chest and um. But I had to realize that too, I, and I felt like the lord was telling me that, like you, don't owe it to nobody to, to holding your truth. And your, you know your story, like you know what I'm saying because I know my heart. I am, I'm, I don't, I don't have to shame you, you're gonna yeah, I see that you're wearing that.
Speaker 2:I don't have to put that.
Speaker 1:You're going to shame yourself.
Speaker 2:I see that you're wearing that.
Speaker 1:I don't have to put that on you Because you know, like I know what it was. You get what I'm saying. But you know, sometimes, like you know how and I've heard this from people before like you know people who feel like their parents are delusional or they say you know, because a lot of times parents don't realize that we did see and hear or they'll create knowledge, the alternative, uh, you know situation, or their alternative truth, like what they, what, their perspective?
Speaker 2:yeah, what happened, yeah, yeah and so you know, that's why I gotta add my little extra razzle dazzle of shame, just in case you know we don't play delusional.
Speaker 1:So then maybe they're not shaming themselves and I thank god for my um sense of discernment, though, because I remember having a conversation with my dad about some of the things that I experienced while in his care and, um, he told me that he did not know, he wasn't aware, but I didn't have to say, and because, in my my spirit, I knew that you did and that I, I know that you know there. There's no way you and I know that you know, there's no way you didn't know. If you know what I mean. But I don't have to say that to you because I feel it, I feel it in my spirit, that you know, but you have to tell yourself you didn't know, because it makes it better for you, because you didn't protect me in the way that you were supposed to protect me and now you have to live with that.
Speaker 1:You were supposed to protect me and now you have to live with that because I have to live with the traumas and now you're aware of those traumas and how they affect me. So you have to tell yourself that you didn't know, you weren't aware, and I'll let you have that.
Speaker 2:I won't. I need an apology.
Speaker 1:I need a heartfelt apology.
Speaker 2:I need you to say okay, that happened and I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:No, there was definitely apologies. I won't take that from them. There was definitely apologies and I appreciate it. Apologies definitely help. You know what I'm saying, but I feel as though the forgiveness was there before the apology. So I don't feel like it really did much for me in a sense of like.
Speaker 2:So you truthfully, feel like you can forgive your parents for something that they're not even admitting to.
Speaker 1:Yes, because that was my heart with my issue, like with my mom, like I can't even forgive you because you're acting like you don't know what I'm talking about I feel as though, um, once again, I just have to give the credit to the lord, because I feel like I forgave my parents and it was kind of like an automatic thing. I feel like there are times where I do find myself having to re-forgive them Re-forgive okay, because they will do or say something that triggers something from the past.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:But or something that I feel like I told you that this hurts me or this makes me feel this way and you're displaying this behavior. So now I find myself having to work through that because I don't want to get angry or I don't want to have that resentment there. But yeah, I do find myself having to work through that because I don't want to get angry or I don't want to have that resentment there. Um, but yeah, I do find myself. I feel I definitely have forgave my parents.
Speaker 2:Did you forgive your parents? Like, do you feel like when you were a kid, like you already knew, you forgave when you were a kid? Are we talking like when you got older and then had kids and kind of like, what point do you feel like you forgave them?
Speaker 1:I feel like I forgave them, um, in the moment. Um, because, though I felt, um, unworthy and, like I said, I felt a lot of things, there was one thing, there was one thing that I held on to just a little bit was like hope that things would change, yeah, so, for me, that's where I feel like the forgiveness was, because I felt like I never shut the door on them completely, like I always left a window for them, even if it was just cracked, for them to like change and be better and like be the parents that I wanted them to be or the parents that I felt like I deserved. I think the true forgiveness or acceptance, I would say came when I learned that they only can be who they are. So, though, I hold out hope that they will be who I want them to be, or who I need them to be, to show up for me. They may never be those people, and that's where I feel like the resentment is going to always stay and you can't truly forgive them, because you're holding an expectation to someone who's just not capable of meeting that expectation, someone who's just not capable of meeting that expectation. So, though, my father is clean and he's giving his life to christ and I'm so thankful to be able to witness that miracle. Um, I would say that I have accepted that he still has not and will not be who I need him to be.
Speaker 1:For me as a father, if that makes sense, and same for my mom, and though she's still working through things, it's just like I have learned that and I think that that was really important for me moving forward to start new relationships, because if I'm holding these people who've been a part of my life, who's hurt me for so many years, to expectations, I'm doing the same thing to the people that's coming into my life. I'm holding them to expectations, you know right out the gate, and I'm that setting that relationship up for failure. Because, once again, I can't hold you to be somebody. I can tell you what I expect, right, and I can tell you what I'm looking for, but I can't be like if you don't do it, you know, whatever, whatever, like that doesn't make you a bad person.
Speaker 1:It just means that maybe we're not meant to be in a relationship, we're not meant to be in connection, or whatever the case may be, if that makes sense. You know what I'm saying, but I think that that was a very important lesson for me to learn with that, and so I think that that's where, more so, the forgiveness came from with. In my childhood, it was like you know that hope like OK, yeah, there's a lot of broken promises, there's a lot of lies, there's a lot, so you still have expectations of your parents.
Speaker 1:No, and that's what I'm saying, like, the expectations are no longer there. I, the acceptance and the true, true forgiveness, came in, accepting that, okay, these are, these are who, the people that they are, and now I have to decide how I want to deal with them, how much access I want them to have to my life and now those are the decisions I'm making.
Speaker 2:Now you get what I'm saying because now I've worked so that, and so, since you know you do, both of your parents you know, praise God are still alive. So do you feel like, since they are your parents, do you not just feel like they automatically deserve access to you and your kids? You know their grandkids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, correct? No, I don't, I don't, and that's what I have struggled with too, you know, and that's why you know, therapy and talking about things and reflecting is important, because a lot of the decisions I made now that I thought were God decisions were just good decisions. It was decisions that I thought were good on the strength that this is my mom, this is my dad, this is what I'm supposed to do, this is how you know, and so that was the expectation, and God's going to be proud of me for that, because what I'm honoring my parents in my mind, that's what I'm doing. So, you know, at 18, when my mom's you know long time boyfriend, she had a stroke, you know he. You know she lived with him. She was, you know, stay at home girlfriend. He took everything. She didn't really have to do much. When he got sick and he could not take care of himself anymore, he had to go away and, you know, live in a facility.
Speaker 1:Then here I am, you know, 18, 19 teen mom, fresh out of high school, taking in my mom you know what I'm saying and I'm like, okay, this is an opportunity for us to rebuild and reconnect and she can help me with my son he's, you know they can build their relationship or whatever, whatever. But in that, you know she's still struggling with her, you know, with her demons and her struggles, and I'm trying to figure out life as an adult and as a mom, and you know what I'm saying and little to no guidance, you know, and it just became like I started to do things and feel like I'm doing things out of obligation to you know, my mom, and so years and years go on and I'm doing this and, granted, my mom has nine kids I'm not the oldest and at times I wasn't the most stable or I wasn't the most. You know what I'm saying. My life wasn't the most stable or I wasn't the most. You know what I'm saying. My life wasn't the most put together, but I would not. You know, I wasn't giving up that responsibility because I'm like this is my mom. You know what I'm saying and I owe her that. You know what I'm saying. I'm honoring my mom. The Lord is going to give me my job.
Speaker 1:Well done, because regardless of what I went through as a kid, I'm still showing up and I'm still being this person and and even though it's weighing on me and mentally I'm not good and emotionally I'm not good. I'm still, you know, standing in and feeling what I'm, the role I'm supposed to feel. You know what I'm saying and not understanding the toll it was taking on me until it just got so built up. You get what I'm saying and so you know. Now we're 10, 12 years later and I had to make the decision that I can't do this anymore. You know I can't do this anymore. I feel like you know the decisions I'm making. I'm not really consulting with the Lord in these decisions. I'm doing things out of feeling obligated. I've become a people pleaser.
Speaker 1:I've become, you know, took on this savior complex like I can't save everybody, and I'm learning that, though I can help here and there, every time I think I'm helping I might be hindering, I might be enabling, I don't know, and that, though I can help here and there, every time I think I'm helping I might be hindering, I might be enabling, I don't know. And that's why I need to take a step back and consult in the Lord and my decisions more. And now I'm looking at my tally marks that I'm thinking I'm doing good and I'm thinking I'm up in the game. You know what I'm saying. I'm up in the game. But then I'm saying I'm up in the game, but then I'm like, well, maybe none of that shit even matters, maybe that don't even count, no more, because whatever lesson he was trying to give in that season, did I interfere with that? Did I? You know what I'm saying? Did I stop whatever he was trying to do in that moment because I thought that I was doing the right thing?
Speaker 1:you know what I'm saying maybe that was finally the opportunity for your mom to experience a different type of rock bottom, to where now she's in a situation, to where nobody can take care of her and she has to figure that out herself you know, like you might have interfered with that, but you know you love your mom, of course, and you want to try to help yeah, for sure, and that's what I'm learning now is like even you know, too with your mom, of course, and you want to try to help yeah, for sure, and that's what I'm and that's what I'm learning now is like even you know, too with my dad. There's a lot of things that I feel like you know, especially just out of excitement of like him, changing his life around and just wanting to support him and show him like I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 1:I'm happy for you and you know all of those things. Um, you know, even when he asked the things of me, I didn't really think about it, or I just kind of felt like you know, oh, I got to do this, or like I have to. You know what I'm saying, and it's just like, like, really like now I don't know what's what I'm supposed to to be doing, because here I am just making these decisions based off of what I think I'm supposed to do, but I'm not really sure, and then I feel like I don't even have the time to really think about it and like did you feel like like you didn't want to disappoint them by saying no to certain things, or you didn't want to say like okay.
Speaker 1:And not even necessarily disappoint, but it's like, um, you know, I feel like with my dad. I feel like he has you know, he struggles sometimes with his delivery, okay and I feel like he has a lot of. My dad has like a superior complex, like I feel like he's always had that and he has a way of like, like, manipulating, like you know what I'm saying manipulating you to feel like or for me how I feel like like yes, like I was obligated to do these things and I feel like both my parents, in a way, kind of did that to me.
Speaker 1:You know my mom more in a gentle way, because she's not like that, you know, my mom's not like straightforward with it, but then my dad is like more like straightforward with it and I just kind of yeah, just felt obligated. You know what I'm saying and I'm just, like you know, after the fact, like ugh, like this is just too much. Like After the fact, like, oh, like this is just too much, like I don't, you know, like what you know, but then if I don't do it, then what Like or am I? You know what I'm saying, but I am in a place where I'm learning too and I feel like the Lord is delivering me to a season where it's like an I choose me season, if and like I talked about before, in that you know, can I vent, vent I feel like, like I said, I was very vague so people probably didn't understand what I meant, but like what I was saying was that now that I'm making the decisions and I'm getting gaining clarity from the Lord and I'm feeling like, okay, me no longer taking on the responsibility of my mom or me no longer doing the x, y and z for my dad.
Speaker 1:If that means that there's issue or there's distance between us, I'm okay with that. I'm accepting that. So weird. I'm accepting that. I'm not going to, I'm not going to carry that guilt. I'm not going to allow nobody to make, let put that guilt on me, put that, just that weight of like, oh, I'm not a good daughter or just like whatever those insecurities. I'm not doing that. I'm, I'm making those decisions and I'm moving forward.
Speaker 1:I don't if that means that the relationship is severed or there's distance or the access is is is very limited, then I'm okay with that because, once again, I have to understand that they can only be who they are and if these are, these are the things that they do or these are the traits that they can only be who they are. And if these are, these are the things that they do or these are the traits that they carry and this is who they are. Okay, I accept that. I still love you. There's no love lost. However, in order to protect me and my peace and then my mental health, then that means that okay, well, things have to be limited.
Speaker 2:Now, things have to be limited now it is so fascinating to me how we could be so close and just hearing how different you handle stuff, which it just makes me look back at how I do things, because my situation wasn't quite like yours, but I definitely had issues with my mom in particular. But I handle stuff like not gentle like you, like I never felt like I don't owe you shit, like the fact that I'm not a street walker on sullivan avenue right now like you're lucky.
Speaker 2:You're lucky, yeah, you know what I mean. And so I remember when my mom had to come back to live with me, for and it was very short-lived your mom came back and stayed with you for, would you say, 12 years. Yeah, it was about my mom had to come back to live with me, for and it was very short lived your mom came back and stayed with you for, would you say, 12 years?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was about all of three months, couldn't wait.
Speaker 2:Came to the door talking my shit you know what I mean and you couldn't handle that. And then you left and fell some way, and you know it. Even thinking back, it's like I had to live whole childhood feeling like I was very unwanted. Feeling, uh, like not a priority. Yeah, um, feeling like you know men were more important than your kids were. You know, just feeling how I felt I lived uncomfortably my whole childhood. Okay, and you come into my house and you can't even live uncomfortably for three months you know what?
Speaker 2:I, I mean yeah, and so I think that you know you still have like a lot of care for your parents. I just don't give a fuck, like I just did not. No care, I feel like you didn't care about me, so I don't care about you. Yeah, you know. Yeah, is that?
Speaker 1:wrong and I feel like you know, I think that you're not quite in a place of like full forgiveness in a sense, Because it sounds like you know. You're definitely entitled to feel your emotions but, like you said, it's like you didn't do this for me or you didn't show up for me this way. So I'm not obligated to show up for you and that's true, but it should be I'm not obligated to show up for you like that, because I'm just not obligated, regardless of what you did, I'm just not obligated because that's not my job as a child. You know, I love you, I respect you and, like you said that, you know that's my job, you know what I'm saying. I love you, I respect you, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:If there's a relationship there, you know whatever, but you know, at the end of the day, for me it was like that was one thing I always worked towards too with my forgiveness was like, okay, yeah, you guys did do this to me and though y'all don't deserve, you know half of what I'm giving, once again, that was still me holding on to that hope, like, okay, they didn't show up for me and the way that I needed them to show up for me, but maybe if I can show up this way, maybe they'll meet me halfway, maybe they'll, maybe they'll be like, oh wow, you know, and maybe it would give them more, you know, like they would give them more of to put more effort. It would give them a, like that urge to put more of an effort to show up a certain way.
Speaker 2:I think the biggest difference with our situations is because you sound like you had more hope than I did, right, yeah, and I feel like a lot of issue, a lot of the issues with your parents were, you know, you said yes, substance abuse and things like that, and that wasn't an issue in my life, so I think that's why it makes me even more disappointed.
Speaker 1:Okay, like I low-key.
Speaker 2:Wish I could say that I was raised how I was, because this isn't, this can't be, who my mom is. Something is consuming her. This is not her personality, but no very sober, very sober.
Speaker 1:So you're saying that you wish there was something that I could justify the actions even though nothing justifies it because even still you know it's still a choice, because you always have the hope that, yeah, they'll get clean. No, I get what you're saying that and for me it was just you know, this was your this was your choice and you stood on your choice and that was what was more important.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean and so for the rest of my life. That's how I'm going to feel, yeah yeah, no, that's definitely.
Speaker 1:And now you know you say that and I get it, you know from, and I know that's a fucked up thing to say like I wish that I could.
Speaker 2:I wish that I could blame, yeah, my childhood on my parents being, yeah, you know, on something I wish I had that excuse. Like I wish I had that excuse because it's even more hurtful. Yeah, it's more hurtful to know like no, this is just what you believed and this is who you are. And those decisions, you stood on those decisions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like to you know, though, my parents' struggles were very apparent. I feel like what I would say is that some people they have different struggles, you know they may not be of sound mind. Some people don't have the strong mentality or, you know, um confidence to to withhold certain things or to stand against certain things, so they may allow more things to slip through the crack or more things to pass, and that doesn't. It doesn't, it's not an excuse, and that's why I am such an advocate for mental health awareness and things like that too, because you, somewhere down the line, you have to be a little bit aware of something's not right, and then, and then, with that little bit of awareness, you have to make a decision to seek the help or seek the treatment, or seek the change. And when you don't do that, then that's like okay, I know that, though you know and you're aware that there's something that's not right, you're okay with it.
Speaker 2:You're okay with it, and it's just so hard and I and I know it might not be fair because parent you know there's no, everybody knows there's no, you know, rule book to how to be a good parent and all of that good stuff. But the feeling that I got when I gave birth to my kids and just knowing how much I want to protect them, how much I want to love them, how much I want to protect them, how much I want to love them, how much I want to be on their side, like it's just mind boggling that the person who gave birth to me I felt like didn't feel like that. You know, like how important my kids are to me, I did not. It's mind boggling to really think that that person, I wasn't important to that person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's why I tell my kids a lot of things that I do. I do it for you guys. You know what I'm saying. A lot of decisions, I make a lot of things. I do these things for you as my kids. And so, yeah, I do and it has made me I feel like a great mother.
Speaker 1:My childhood also, and my experience with my parents, I feel like, has also given me some things that I feel like you know, I've been working on and praying about. As far as, like my, you know, the connection I have with my kids and how like I don't be wanting them, I have like, and how I don't be wanting them. I have separation anxiety with them because I feel like if I spend too much time with them, I don't ever want them to worry about if I love them or if I don't want them around, if I'm not thinking about them. My son just went away to camp for a week. With the camp, they don't get to communicate with us the whole time they're gone. We can send them little notes and emails on this app, but we don't get to talk to them, and every day I made sure I sent the note or two, even it was just say I love you, say your night prayers or whatever.
Speaker 1:Like I do that a lot and I feel like sometimes it's overbearing to my son, especially now that he's about to be a teenager. Um, you know, I feel like it's overbearing to my son, especially now that he's about to be a teenager. You know, I feel like it's overbearing to him because sometimes I get like really anxious if I don't get to contact him. He's like mom, I'm, you know, I'm here, you know what.
Speaker 2:I'm saying, and that's why it's so important to talk to your kids about your experiences and when you went through. So he can have a little more grace.
Speaker 1:Yeah, give me a little bit more grace but yeah, you know, so you know, it definitely is it definitely crossed my mind. Sometimes. I'm like dang, I wish you know like my parents would have looked at me and kind of fought a little bit harder, or you know, and it's just like you know, I just tried to, you know, think about it in a different light. You know like, okay, well, you know, maybe they don't, they didn't, it wasn't supposed to change for me, maybe they were supposed to change for themselves. You know like they were who they were before they were my parents. You get what I'm saying and you know whatever they witnessed, whatever they grew up and their lives were for
Speaker 1:me and their own traumas. Um, so you know, I do give a lot of grace there, but, like I said, um, you know, sometimes we get we get it misconstrued with giving people grace and forgiving people. Um, we get it misconstrued with allowing people to misuse us and, um, we gain that access kind of prematurely and it's absolutely okay and I'm speaking to myself when I say this too Like it's absolutely okay with you know, standing on your boundaries and it's absolutely and being okay, whatever the outcome be, and it is absolutely okay for letting people lie in the bed that they made.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yep, you don't get to just not provide. You don't get to just not provide you, don't get to not do your best Correct by your kids and then expect that y'all are going to have this amazing friendship when your kid is grown. You know what I mean. Like that's not what that means.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like it's okay for you to deal with your consequences. Yeah, the relationship is, you know, molded off of. You know the history of it, you know so, no matter how much you try, it's still rooted in. You know the hurt and the disappointment and you know you can do all the forgiving in the world, it doesn't erase what you've been through and I think that it's important to definitely give yourself grace with that because, like I said, a lot of it just came from me just being so scared of like, oh, you know, like I don't want to be a bad daughter, you know, just because they weren't the best parents to me doesn't mean I can't be the best daughter to them, but also being careful. What I define as being the best daughter.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:I pray for my parents every day.
Speaker 2:The fact that you're not a prostitute on the street is how you're being the best daughter. That's how you, because that's how you're being the best daughter. Like I could be really out here bad. Okay, with the life that you gave me, I could have been out here bad. You're welcome for not being a prostitute.
Speaker 1:If you're not a prostitute, you're great, you're great. Oh my gosh, she's not letting go of that process too many. But yeah, no, I pray for my parents every day. I love my parents. I do try to be there for them and support them as much as possible, but I do understand that in a lot of ways I've enabled my parents.
Speaker 2:In a lot of ways, I've enabled my parents In a lot of ways, I have allowed them to get comfortable with You've allowed them the opportunity to continue to hurt you. It's how I look at it as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And to continue to disappoint you in some ways. Yeah, in some ways, and you know, and just I feel like there's not enough gratitude there, man, if that's the word I can say yes.
Speaker 1:There's not enough gratitude. I mean, a thank you is nice, I'm not going to lie. A thank you is nice and I'm not. If y'all don't take anything else, if y'all haven't learned nothing from me in these past three years of the SheBoku podcast, I am the least like I am, the easiest person to please. I don't require a lot from people at all. I could require much more, but I understand we human beings, so I don't require a lot. You know, even when I had my expectations, they were very, very like minimal. I was to say that. But a thank you is nice, but it's the action behind it.
Speaker 1:You can't say thank you for all the things that you've done, but I just need one more thing or I need another take stuff off of my plate or thank you, but and I know you're going through this, but I need you to do this and I need you like that kind of just counteracts each other correct, and so you gave me a thank you, but then hell, no for an extra razzle, dazzle and so, yeah, it's just like, it's just a lot y'all.
Speaker 1:And you know, I just like I said it's been heavy on my heart and I just wanted to be open and more transparent because that is. You know what I've been going through and I'm in the season and I'm claiming it. You know I'm choosing me. I'm choosing, you know, to have peace. I'm choosing to be happy. I'm choosing to accept whatever the outcome is from the decisions that I make that I feel is best for me and my children moving forward. And I will never stop responsibility.
Speaker 2:Your parents don't necessarily have to be your responsibility, but your kids. And their childhood experience, like that is our responsibility, yeah.
Speaker 1:And you know, I want my job well done.
Speaker 1:I want to hear job well done from the Lord. And you know, eva, tell me all the time Because you making it through them, gates and other people tell me you're such a great person, you do this, you do that, but, like I said, things have to be rooted, and I'm understanding that more. It just has to be rooted, it has to be consulted with and it has to be ordered and ordained by the Lord to be counted as a God thing. So, though, I've done a lot of good things as a daughter, as a cousin, as a friend, as a mother, you know good things are good, but God things are the end, all be all and the relationships that the Lord has, you know, placed amongst my life, even with my parents.
Speaker 1:You know he knew that they would be my parents before. They knew they would be my parents, before I knew they was going to be my parents, so that was already written. You get what I'm saying. Can't change it, can't do nothing about it, but move on. For me, like I said, the expectations are gone. You know, my hope now is that everyone them, myself, my children that we can all learn from the experience, love more and just grow from it and make better decisions, moving forward my hope would be that y'all can be better grandparents than you were parents that's the only way to really you know, try to.
Speaker 2:My hope would be that y'all can be better grandparents than you were parents. Yeah. That's the only way to really, you know, try to I don't know make up for it.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm so proud of you for you know being vulnerable and talking about that, yeah.
Speaker 2:Because I mean a lot of people struggle with issues with their parents, even people who on the outside looking and we thought, had the best childhood, the best life.
Speaker 2:They had everything they want they you know wanted, let alone need it, um, and so I think that you know that's another reason why we're called to even do the podcast like our testimonies, like there's a lot of power in our testimonies, like we're showing people that this is where we came from and we're refusing to let it keep us in a certain place. We still want the best for ourselves. We still have hope for ourselves and high expectations of ourselves.
Speaker 1:Very proud of you.
Speaker 2:We teared up a couple times, y'all, we teared up a couple times, you proud of me?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm proud of me. Yes, is it? I'm proud of you. And you know, just for those who listening, you know If you are A prostitute In the street.
Speaker 2:You are still worthy, you are and you can make it to the pearly gates.
Speaker 1:You can, it's never too late. It is not too late to change.
Speaker 2:There's some prostitutes and some of their parents probably contributed To why they became the way they became.
Speaker 1:But you know God loves us all. He does absolutely so. Yeah, I hope y'all Took something from this. I hope that you guys can, too Appreciate my vulnerability, my transparency on this episode. It wasn't easy. Yeah, I hope y'all took something from this. I hope that you guys can, too, appreciate my vulnerability, my transparency on this episode. It wasn't easy, but, you know, I felt the Lord with me the whole way and I do feel like there could be some takeaway from it.
Speaker 1:And, like I said, eva's always very open and transparent, as y'all can see, honey, she don't bite her tongue, she don't sugarcoat it, it's just straight forward and I just hope that you know. Know, like I said, like with every segment that we do, we just pray that you know a touch of someone, that a word was said, that touch someone that you can learn from and help in. You know any way. And, yeah, y'all. So let me know what y'all think. You know y'all like the more transparent, the more vulnerable me, the more vulnerable me. You know what I'm saying and, yeah, I'm going to give it every time Moving forward. I'm going to try.
Speaker 2:Cause y'all know I'm emotional honey. Yeah, that was.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was a good one, that was good. Well, until next time, guys, stay bold.